I would be 23 in a few days, and I don’t feel myself adequate as yet to carry the mantle of that age. I don’t feel I am matured enough to be called a 23 year old girl. I don’t know how to take decisions as yet, decisions here do not mean whether to have a pizza for lunch or a plate of rajma pulao, but they mean the big ones. I have always looked for somebody to counsel me and guide me, to help me take up major decisions. You would instantly say but there nothing wrong in asking for help. There is, if the help is persistent, if in the course of asking help you forget that you have a mind of your own, if you keep relying on other people for help all the time, if you are too impressionable to change decisions on even slightest influences, if you stop taking your own life and situations into consideration and let yourself being framed into the setting of the other person who tries to help you by giving his own examples. So now I am sure you would agree on why I feel myself inadequate.
If I retrospect I see that I have always eaten with the spoon that was brought to my mouth, never really taking my hands out to choose a spoon. Even if after being persistently asked to choose my own spoon I have insisted hard on telling me the pros and cons of each spoon, and then finally taken pride (a sham pride) in choosing my own spoon. So literally and figuratively I have been spoon fed much to the unwillingness of my feeders.
By now I am sure many of you are too convinced that I am absolutely inadequate to be 23, as a 23 year old would never speak like this. And I would not spare myself even a bit by not substantiating the point I started off with.
I have gone to the foolish extent of making chits of the options I have in hand and then taking the decision as the one written on the chit that I have drawn. I have gone to extent of asking God to take decisions for me by trying to find out answers in Ramcharitmanas or the Geeta. I have gone to extent of leaving the decisions to be taken to time. Except for the first one I am sure you would be thinking that sometimes there is no way but to surrender to these methods so what’s wrong in them. But it’s wrong if you ask God for answers without knowing your questions well, ask him to answer from the options you think might be best suited for the distorted question you somehow manage to pose while the answer may be something completely unconsidered by you. And it’s wrong when you ask time to take decisions for you instead of accepting that you have been a failure in deciding on it yourself. Now I think I have convinced you that the methods are wrong when given the circumstances in which they have been assorted to.
Hence I don’t feel I am eligible to share a place amidst people of 23 who have been always proud of taking their own decisions and standing by them even if they turned out to be wrong later on. I don’t feel I have the guts required to do that.
Ahh! Just heard somebody saying, it’s never too late to start. Thank God we have such adages to ease the process of decision making for people like me. Yes I have decided to follow it, totally convinced that if I start now only then I can make myself eligible for the club of 25 two years down the line. So I am going to “take charge at 23”.